Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes.

I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

[Raistlin]

I only came to the supermarket for milk, and I've ended up spending £30.

Now I have all of this milk, and I can't carry it home.

[Raistlin]

Skegness and Las Vegas don't have much in common,

but they are the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.

[Raistlin]

I went into the back garden and jumped on the kid's trampoline and started bouncing.

The kids were all laughing and screaming, then one of them shouted "Paedo, help Paedo!"

I had to run before a parent came out.

[Raistlin]

David Moyes has said it will be hard leaving Everton FC.

Because his car is on bricks.

[Raistlin]

Stephen Hawking is boycotting a conference in Israel- even though his speech computer uses Israeli components.

In a statement he told reporters "I'm gay and love sucking black cocks".

[Raistlin]

BMW have recalled all their cars with a fault.

One was seen with an indicator working.

[Raistlin]

Police have offered a reward after a man was stabbed to death after leaving a mosque in Birmingham.

That's not very politically-correct of them.

[Raistlin]

A couple of scouts came to watch me play football once.

I think they were camping in a field opposite.

[Raistlin]

My wife walked out on me today, after making life ridiculously difficult for me for the last six years.
She explained everything in the note she left me.

On floppy disk..


In next doors' attic.

[Raistlin]

Apparently Wayne Rooney has changed his Twitter profile from ' Manchester United player ' to ' Nike Athlete '.

Having seen him recently , I reckon ' Elite Athlete ' would be more appropriate , because clearly ' Elite ' anything put in front of him .

[Raistlin]

Coronation Street......Sponsored by Haribo.

[Raistlin]

My wife said to me, "When you look down, you can't even see your own penis!"

I said, "Sod off, I'm not fat."

She said, "I never said you were."

Bitch...

[Raistlin]

I was as shocked as everyone to hear that Operation Yewtree have found out that Timmy Mallett..

Isn't a paedophile.

[Raistlin]

I took a box of tissues and a pot of lube up to the checkout. The lady behind the till just smirked.

"It's not what you're thinking!" I protested.

"Yeah, right," she laughed. "I suppose you're going to tell me it's for a hobby or something."

"See. I told you," I replied. "It's actually for wanking."

[Raistlin]

I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

[Raistlin]

Apparently the New Star Wars movie will be made in the UK.

Luke Skywalker will take Darth Vader on Jeremy Kyle for a DNA test.

[Raistlin]

I have to take over 500 tablets a day.

To control my compulsive lying.

[Raistlin]

Breaking News: Sooty arrested by Operation Yewtree officers.

Police spokesman says he has the right to remain silent but he is really starting to take the piss now...

[Raistlin]

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

[Raistlin]

When the three kidnapped women in Ohio were interviewed after their ten year ordeal, they all asked the same question:

Have Arsenal won anything?

[Raistlin]

I was at the BAFTA awards tonight and got chatting to Claire Balding.

In the gents toilets.

[Raistlin]

I was waiting at traffic lights when a business man in a black BMW 7 series pulled up beside me.

What I saw next shocked and dumbfounded me.

He was not on his mobile phone and he was using his indicators.

[Raistlin]

"I had this horrible vivid dream the wife had died in a car crash," I told my mate.

"Nasty, mate," he commiserated. "What was the worst part?"

"Her snoring woke me up and she was there."

[Raistlin]

Interesting watching Michael Palin's speech at the BAFTA's last night.

"Finally I'd like to thank the BBC. No other broadcasting company in the world would have given me the freedom to do what I've done for the last 40 years."

Erm, is that a confession..?