Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I 'phoned the Domino's 'Midweek Rescue Service' number last Wednesday.

After explaining what I needed, they recommended that I call the RAC or AA.

[Raistlin]

I phoned my boss today to say that I wouldn't be going in.

He said, "Again? What is it this time?"

I said, "My Uncle's hamster died."

He said, "You can't be serious."

"I am," I replied. "He was very old."

[Raistlin]

I never drive around with my payslip in my car.

Should I die in an accident, I don't want people to assume it was suicide.

[Raistlin]

I just explained Google images to my mum.

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.

[Raistlin]

What a nice guy he is!

It has just been announced that Ken Barlow will be away from Coronation Street until futher notice.

He has gone to assist Kevin Webster in helping his Dad, who has suffered a heart attack.

[Raistlin]

Even though I was 20 minutes late for my interview at a taxi office I still got the job.

The manager thought I was a natural when I told him "I'm just round the corner."

[Raistlin]

So Ken Barlow has now been arrested for sex offences.

Who is next... Ethel Skinner for stroking Willy?.

[Raistlin]

I walked into my mate Dave's house last night as he was shagging his wife.

"Oh sorry," I said, "Am I interrupting something?"

"Yes you are," she shouted, "Get out!"

"He can stay and watch, can't he?" smiled Dave.

"You've planned this, haven't you?" she screamed.

"No," replied Dave, "What makes you think that?"

"Where did he get our front door key from? And why is he wearing a gimp mask?"

[Raistlin]

All Ken Barlow did was take a 15 year old Escort to Kevin Webster's garage for a touch up...

[Raistlin]

I walked into a newsagents and asked for some Hall's Soothers.

He went into the back and came out with a couple of 9 year-old girls.

[Raistlin]

[Raistlin]

The woman who is claiming she was raped by Bill Roache will now be 61 years old.

I wonder if she sat down to watch Corrie for the first time ever last night and shouted "That's the bastard there"

[Raistlin]

In the old days it was called "Its a Knockout"

.....Today its called "Rohypnol"

[Raistlin]

The BBC are sick: apparently Stuart Hall has been given a new show called "It's a Cock Out"

[Raistlin]

I was in Sainsbury's earlier, and I spotted the following items:
Honey nut cornflakes - £2.25
Cornflakes - £1.29
Honey - 49p

Looking at the prices gave me a great money saving idea.....

I went to Asda.

[Raistlin]

William Roach revealed that he was partially deaf a couple of years ago.

Apparently it's worse than anyone realised- he can't hear someone 6 inches away yelling "No!".

[Raistlin]

In case any of you were wondering.

The male 'G-spot' is located in the back of a woman's throat.

[Raistlin]

Coming soon........


I'm a celebrity get me out of jail

[Raistlin]

I pity poor Ronnie O'Sullivan, forced to play snooker just for the money.

Even if they didn't pay me, I'd still do my job at Dynorod just for the pleasure of flushing out those drains.

[Raistlin]

With all these celebrities getting arrested for child molestation, it almost makes me wonder if Gary Glitter did have a gang

[Raistlin]

"Don't worry, I'm a man of the cloth" I said to the scared looking girl.

As I got my chloroform soaked cloth out.

[Raistlin]

I was reading over my daughter's English essay when I came across the word 'opaquer'.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"More opaque." She replied.

"Oh, I see." I said. "That makes it clearer."

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with.

"Eleven," I replied.

"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

[Raistlin]

Unfortunately my wife's going to need a few teeth taking out.

Judging by the quality of my tea.

[Raistlin]

I ordered some pills against premature ejaculation a month ago but they still haven't come.