Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"Would you stop reading 'The Sun', it's illiterate, sexist crap."

Said my busty wife, 27.

[Raistlin]

Those students dancing in the streets because Maggie Thatcher died ' you would of thought they would have been getting on with the more important things in life' like having a wash.

[Raistlin]

The English Premier League have chosen Hawk Eye as their provider of goal line technology.

The rest of The Avengers are reported to be gutted.

[Raistlin]

After hiding in the school girl's changing rooms for three hours, waiting for a glimpse of pre-pubescent innocence, I realised how much of a sick and twisted pervert I was.

And that it was half term.

[Raistlin]

I saw my accountant at a strip club last night and it was really awkward.

He pretended not to see me, but everyone else in his group slipped a few notes into my thong.

[Raistlin]

So North Korea have aimed a missile at Emmanuel Adebayor's house...

In retaliation for his ball landing in Kim Jong Un's back garden.

[Raistlin]

Arsene Wenger must be a nightmare when he takes he kids swimming.

'Daddy did you see me dive'

'No I did not see anything'

[Raistlin]

Margaret Thatcher's funeral is for ages 18+

Apparantly they don't want any miners there.

[Raistlin]

I was telling my mate, my air bag went off in my face.

He said, "When did this happen?"

I said, "The second she woke up this morning."

[Raistlin]

Due to the imminent, ever-increasing threat of North Korea, I took some initiative and dug a bunker in my back yard.

Garden's now a par 3.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend thinks it's hilarious that my mates call me 'Kermit'.

She thinks they're implying that I'm skinny and neurotic.

She doesn't know they only began calling me that when I started shagging a fat pig like her.

[Raistlin]

A runner has collapsed and died at the Brighton marathon.

Locals at the scene tried to help, but a policeman, sailor, builder and even a red Indian failed to save him.

[Raistlin]

Thatcher this, Thatcher that, Thatcher the other...

I do believe I've reached Thatcheration point

[Raistlin]

A horse walks in to a Newcastle bar.

The barman says "Why the bruised face ?"

[Raistlin]

Did someone mention a synopsis?

Because I feel Summery.

[Raistlin]

I phoned the NHS line today.

I said, "I've just been having sex with my girlfriend and managed to get my penis jammed in her anus."

"Oh dear, how is she taking it?" the woman asked.

"Up the arse," I replied.

[Raistlin]

Up to 200 birds might have died after being covered in a sticky substance, the RSPB has said.

I have got to start wearing a condom....

[Raistlin]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the masses of Newcastle fans punching the farm animals.

[Raistlin]

Kieren Fallon has to give up all his rides today because of food poisoning. -BBC News .

I didn't know you could get food poisoning from cocaine.

[Raistlin]

I got a bird back to my place last night.

As she slid her hand up my leg and unzipped my trousers I said, "Before we go any further there's something you should really know about my penis."

"What? Is it big? Is it small?" she asked in anticipation.

"No," I replied. "You've just bloody jammed it in my fly."

[Raistlin]

So women want equality?

Let's see who gets on the life boat first then bitches!

[Raistlin]

Just got a call from my wife who was running in the Boston Marathon. She said they had a blast and she can't feel her legs.

Glad to hear she's having a good day.

[Raistlin]

The marathon at the Rio 2016 Paralympics just got a lot more competitive...

[Raistlin]

My friend Dave called to say he's safe after yesterdays bombings..

Does anyone know when's a good time to ask for my money back, as he didn't technically complete the marathon?

[Raistlin]

According to recent reports, the Royal Horticultural Society has warned that the heavy rain of last year created perfect breeding conditions for slugs.

Great! That's my shag sorted for Saturday night.