Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I just got a text message from my girlfriend that reads, 'We need to talk.'

Awesome. I'll bet she's decided to accept my proposal of a threesome with her sister.

[Raistlin]

Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend.

Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.

[Raistlin]

I found a video on my wife's phone of me shagging her.

I don't remember filming this but it must have been on holiday I've got a great tan and my cock looks massive.

[Raistlin]

Red tube at night, surfer's delight.

Red tube in morning, sex addict warning.

[Raistlin]

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and you have time to duck.

[Raistlin]

Five women have died in San Francisco after their stretch limo caught fire.

"I don't care what anybody says," Said one survivor, "We paid good money for that car, and it was the driver's job to open the door."

[Raistlin]

If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .

If you kill someone , it's called homicide .

If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .

If you kill the King , it's called regicide .

If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .

And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .

[Raistlin]

"Spot the Obvious Mistake"

Possibly the cruellest book in the Spot the Dog series.

[Raistlin]

"Do you want to see my puppies, little girl?" I asked.

"No thanks," she replied. "I've just had lunch."

It's not easy being a paedophile in Korea.

[Raistlin]

If Sex with two other people is a "Threesome", and sex with one partner is "Twosome"

I guess that makes me "Handsome"

[Raistlin]

The first rule of Procrastination Club is...

I'll write them after I've completed this level on Candy Crush

[Raistlin]

I was having a great night down at the pub, playing darts and drinking lots, when a mate of mine came in.

"Why aren't you at home, shagging your beautiful wife?", he asked.

"Why aren't you?", I replied.

"Because I didn't know you'd be here".

[Raistlin]

Jimmy Tarbuck could be getting that Live From Her Majesty's gig back sooner than he thought.

[Raistlin]

Wolverhampton Wandreres get through managers like Katie Price gets through husbands.

[Raistlin]

Liza Tarbuck must be really embarrassed.

Not because of her fathers arrest, but because she's a fat, talentless bitch...

[Raistlin]

The man arrested for keeping three girls captive in his basement for over a decade has been named as 52 year old Ariel Castro.

I don't remember his BBC career.

[Raistlin]

I think the sparkle's gone out of my relationship with my girlfriend.

I first noticed in bed last night while we were making like.

[Raistlin]

I was having sex with my wife last night and asked her "How about some anal ?"

She replied "Ok. You sometimes splash drops around the toilet when you pee, and then you don't wash your thoroughly with soap afterwards."

[Raistlin]

Jimmy Tarbuck will be telling Operation Yewtree officers that the junior golf clubs and kids clothes they'll find in his car boot, belong to Ronnie Corbett.

[Raistlin]

Rumour's are beging to spread that Fergie is going to retire tomorrow


Dont think ill be listening to the Black Eyed Peas anymore if he does

[Raistlin]

Over the past few weeks, it's becoming clear as to why our parents used to say when we were young, if we were being bold, that they would wash our mouth out with Soaps.

[Raistlin]

[Raistlin]

Just heard the news about Alex Ferguson retiring.

It's so refreshing to see a story of a man in his seventies, in the news, that doesn't involve child abuse.

[Raistlin]

Following the shock news that Sir Alex Ferguson is retiring at the end of the season, Wrigleys have announced they have entered administration.

[Raistlin]

I didn't feel I could say much when I caught my son masturbating.

To be fair, neither of us should've been in his sister's wardrobe.