Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.

And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad.

[Raistlin]

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute; I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

[Raistlin]

How do you stop your dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his cock.

[Raistlin]

My mate just texted me from Glastonbury. He said the entire front row of the Rolling Stones gig got taken to hospital after inhaling copious amounts of deep heat, ralgex and werthers originals.

[Raistlin]

Silence is golden, unless you have kids.

Then it's just suspicious.

[Raistlin]

Marriage counselling.

Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bitch.

[Raistlin]

Whenever the kids ask me for permission to go out:

I just tell them "Ask your Mum."

It's fun working in the orphanage.

[Raistlin]

Ever noticed how the front row of the Top Gear audience is full of attractive women?

You'd think the BBC would have learned from the past 12 months

[Raistlin]

As I walked past a park bench, I noticed a very cold looking Native American man curled up trying to sleep.

He watched me as I leaned down and placed a blanket over him.

"Years ago, your people gave my people blankets full of smallpox in an effort to kill us off" he said. "Why should I trust you?"

Smiling at the man, I told him "A lot has changed since then."

I watched a look of comfort and joy slowly encompass his face before walking away and mumbling "We have anthrax now."

[Raistlin]

So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is.

[Raistlin]

I wept when my daughter got raped.

Where the hell did she get mace anyway?

[Raistlin]

I can't believe Mumford and Sons headlined Glastonbury last night.

I'd met them earlier in the day, and assumed they were there to start cleaning up the site.

[Raistlin]

Cops (noun) - People who are given permission to break the law in order to catch people who break the law.

[Raistlin]

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"
"Hearing aids."

[Raistlin]

I lost my job and my wife on the same day.

Cheers EuroMillions

[Raistlin]

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.

[Raistlin]

Balli likes a good long cuddle with his girlfriend after sex.

It's the quickest way to deflate her.

[Raistlin]

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can sod right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."

[Raistlin]

"Have you met the young lesbian couple who've moved in next door?", I asked my wife.

"No, have you?", she replied.

"Yeah, I popped round to borrow some sugar" I said.

"When?"

"Three times this morning and twice this afternoon"

[Raistlin]

"Nicole Scherzinger & Lewis Hamilton split up after five years together"

Not the first relationship to end so soon after a burst rubber.

[Raistlin]

A 9 year old child has been stabbed in a skateboard park in Shipley.

Local residents are said to be upset and confused by this, and wondering who they will get their heroin from now.

[Raistlin]

I can't believe how these African charity adverts always seem to be on at mealtimes.

They must be scheduled to coincide with when we're eating on purpose, to make us feel guilty.

Don't these stupid TV people know that I could choke, laughing with a mouth full of food?

[Raistlin]

Apparently a lorry has spilled its load of bricks and cement all across a motorway.

Police say the queues are building!

[Raistlin]

I got a phone call from my wife today and I said, "Sorry love. I can't really talk, I'm on the train."

"Why are you on the train?" She asked.

I replied, "Because I can't bloody afford to get in it."

[Raistlin]

I was walking my dog in the park when this grumpy old bastard shouted,"Oi son,I've just treaded in your dog's shit!"

"That's not my dog's shit" I said.

"Ok then" he said,"Sorry about that."

"..It's mine" I said with a smirk.