Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

[Raistlin]

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.

[Raistlin]

I took my wife to a London show for our anniversary.

I can highly recommend that dogging site on Clapham Common.

[Raistlin]

I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.

I wasn't going to kick it before.

[Raistlin]

I beat my mother at a game of swingball yesterday.

Hoping for a knighthood.

[Raistlin]

So I have invented a new game - Quiet tennis

It's pretty much the same as normal tennis, but without the racquet.

[Raistlin]

Some perverted twat stole my wife's knickers off the washing line.

I can only assume he wanted to go camping and didn't have a tent.

[Raistlin]

I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!

Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin.

[Raistlin]

It's never too late to tell somebody how much you love them.

Unless you've just come home drunk at 3 a.m.

[Raistlin]

New Lynx Deep Space shower gel.... nothing's better when Uranus needs a wash.

[Raistlin]

The best thing about going out with a fat girl is that they always say yes to a cream-pie.

[Raistlin]

Royal Mail employees to receive free shares when the company is floated on the Stock Exchange

Unfortunately, they are being sent by Royal Mail.

[Raistlin]

You know your dating life sucks, when you get matched with your cousin on eHarmony.

[Raistlin]

its such a shame about the little kitten that was found abandoned in a box on a tube on the victoria line,

I was hoping they would do a controlled explosion.

[Raistlin]

"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely," I said.

[Raistlin]

Woman: "I'm bored. Lets see what my options are...

I can call someone and have a nice chat, or I can go to the gym, orI can go for a nice stroll in the park, or I can do some shopping, or I can read a lovely romantic novel, or..."

Man: "I'm bored... Wank it is then."

[Raistlin]

I went into a sex shop yesterday and said, "Have you got any MILF?"

The bloke behind the counter said, "And what kind would you like, Sir?"

I said, "Themmi thskimmed pleath, these cookies are really dry."

[Raistlin]

Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died.

Top bloke and will always be remembered for giving me the chance to see my auntie's crack.

[Raistlin]

You know you're getting on a bit when your mate texts you "Fancy T in the park this weekend?"

And you automatically think about fish and chips on a park bench.

[Raistlin]

The judicial system breathed a sigh of relief tonight, after Alan Whicker died without being accused of kiddy fiddling.

[Raistlin]

I'm not so sure that the time is right for Scottish devolution.

They should wait until they've mastered evolution first.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said that, if she ever left me, she'd probably end up becoming one of those women who only goes out with footballers.

Struggling to find the their collective term, she asked "You know, oh...What do you call them?"

"Slags."

[Raistlin]

Got banned from my local hair dressers

Apparently a cut and blow isn't what I thought it was...

[Raistlin]

When I was six-years-old, my parents sent me off to boarding school.

They were desperate for me to be a flight attendant.

[Raistlin]

I was showing my Korean friend my new sub woofers.

Ever since then I haven't seen them.