Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm chuffed. I got 92% in my Maths test today - that's 7% off the maximum.

[Raistlin]

Finally there's good news to cover up the recent scandals as Coronation Street Pick-Up-The-Soap award ...

[Raistlin]

To the guy who ripped off my stash of magic mushrooms, ecstacy, pot and nitrous oxide. I'm going to find you, and then we'll see who's laughing.

[Raistlin]

A girl said to me earlier "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth"

Luckily I'm not though, so I think I'm in with a chance!

[Raistlin]

What do you call a paedophile who keeps laughing?

Rofl Harris

[Raistlin]

In the latest development of the Yew Tree inquiry, Scooby Doo has been named amongst the latest potential sex offenders to be questioned.

When asked how he felt about this, he replied that he "would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for meddling with those kids."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me she`s fed up with all the jokes I make about her weight.

I think the bitch needs to lighten up.

[Raistlin]

I couldn't believe it when the social services took my children into care after my wife died, saying that I couldn't cope.

I never thought they would fall for it.

[Raistlin]

I got pissed last night and ended up at this birds house.

She was fantastic in bed, and insisted on anal.

Which I was pleased about. I found her 7 inch clitoris a bit off-putting.

[Raistlin]

Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

[Raistlin]

North Korean sources say Kim Jong-un is thrilled at the success of their new "tornado machine"

[Raistlin]

Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma.

I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

[Raistlin]

The death toll in Oklahoma would have been so much worse if it wasn't for the fact that so many Americans are kept in cellars.

[Raistlin]

Audley Harrison has announced he's to come out of retirement after managing to knock out a wank.

[Raistlin]

Americans are calling the tornado that killed over 90 people in Oklahoma an act of God.

I call choosing to live in a place nicknamed "Tornado Alley," an act of stupidity.

[Raistlin]

Wayne Rooney has denied that he ever made an official transfer request, adding that he asked for stickers and not transfers.

[Raistlin]

My wife thinks she failed her driving test after not stopping for the zebra crossing.

Actually I think the instructor failed her as soon as she drove into the zoo.

[Raistlin]

Anyone who says that the book was better than the film has never had a blowjob in the cinema.

[Raistlin]

A lack of zinc during pregnancy can result in learning difficulties and poor vision in children.

Semen contains zinc.

Proving once and for all that Jordan doesn't swallow.

[Raistlin]

When's the next time you'll see Mick McManus on the ropes?

His coffin being lowered into the ground.

[Raistlin]

My great great gran was told she's too old to get a facelift.

You should've seen the look on her neck.

[Raistlin]

My prostate exam seemed to be going great until the doctor uttered those words I dreaded to hear.

"Ok. My turn now"

[Raistlin]

Apparently, with National Accident Helpline, I can get 'every penny I deserve.'

Well, I deserve the one off the Big Bang Theory.

[Raistlin]

I've got a transvestite mate who lives in Greater Manchester.

He's got a Wigan address.

[Raistlin]

I was indoors when my light broke, I was looking for my torch when Obi Wan Konobi walked in he said "why don't you use my sword" "I said thank you, you're an absolute light saber"