Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My sexy new girlfriend got all upset last night, she thinks I'm only interested in the sex and not her as a person.

So to cheer her up I went to the shops today and bought her crotchless knickers and a peep hole bra.

[Raistlin]

Animals are instinctively afraid of fire.

Although how polar bears and penguins know about it is still a mystery.

[Raistlin]

So Angelina Jolie has just undergone a double mastectomy to have her breasts removed due to cancer concerns.

Just when I thought she couldn't possibly get any sexier, she goes ahead and has surgery to give her the chest of a nine year old.

[Raistlin]

For so long I thought I must be the unluckiest person on the planet.

Well that's just about to change. Angelina Jolie has finally replied to my fan mail and agreed to give me a tit wank.

[Raistlin]

Angelina Jolie has had a mastectomy to reduce her chance of getting breast cancer.

Hopefully Katie Price will follow suit and have her heart removed to reduce her chance of living.

[Raistlin]

After Angelina having a mastectomy to avoid getting breast cancer, Brad has had his eyes removed, to avoid finding his wife unattractive.

[Raistlin]

Officers from Operation Yewtree have attempted to arrest the entire cast of Rainbow in dawn raids.

However, the brown bear escaped.

Police have admitted it was a bungled operation.

[Raistlin]

My wife was waiting in on the plumber today to come and fix our boiler.

She sent me a text "That's the plumber sorted"

I text her back "When did he come?"

"When he was doing me doggy" the bitch replied

[Raistlin]

Its a sad state of affairs, when QPR's best display of teamwork this season.

Was a gang rape.

[Raistlin]

Why is everyone making such a big deal about Angelina having a mastectomy?

Keira Knightley did it years ago.

[Raistlin]

Looks like Pepsi have joined in with the whole names on bottles thing.

Although judging by the shelf in the Spar round the corner though, they've drastically over estimated the number of people there are in the UK called Max.

[Raistlin]

Just sat watching my wife eating a bag of Monster Munch

I thought... Yeah they work

[Raistlin]

The papers report "Angelina Jolie didn't tell her father Jon Voight about her double mastectomy - he found out on the internet".

Why was he googling his daughters tits ?

[Raistlin]

John Terry is having an end of season bash with over 200 guests.

Apparently it's cost him a fortune in mirrors

[Raistlin]

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

[Raistlin]

Lidl Chicken Nuggets: Still less breast meat than Angelina Jolie.

[Raistlin]

Last night I came in my wife's mouth for the very first time,

I can't wait to tell her I've found a cure for her snoring

[Raistlin]

Paul Shane from Hi-De-Hi has died, aged 72.

Bye-de-bye...

[Raistlin]

Arsene Wenger has guaranteed Arsenal will make it to Wembley next year.

He has bough the players tickets to the One Direction concert.

[Raistlin]

David Beckham has said his decision to retire was made over six months ago.

But he's just finished writing his press statement.

[Raistlin]

I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife"

Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

[Raistlin]

George Michael has been involved in a car crash... for the last ten years

[Raistlin]

I heard my vegetarian neighbour's having really loud sex last night.

Or they might have been trying a piece of steak for the first time.

[Raistlin]

My wife is always complaining that sex between us is boring and predictable.

It's not my fault.

She's the one that falls asleep after 6 minutes, 14 seconds.

[Raistlin]

Congratulations to John Terry on winning the Eurovision Song Contest 2013