Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I think we have to forgive Rolf Harris, simply because he's such an amazing man.

For example on Animal Hospital I once saw him cure a young boy's pet snake in under two minutes, and all he got the boy to do was stroke it under the blanket until it was sick.

[Raistlin]

After Boston marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured in a boat in a garden, it seems his knowledge of terrorist bombing was obviously much greater than his knowledge of sailing.

[Raistlin]

well done to the Americans on finally getting their man, though us Brits would have found him on Thursday if it was over here.

We'd have nicked him at the Job Centre as he went to collect his benefits.

[Raistlin]

I just love it when disabled people embrace their disability and take the piss out of themselves in a light hearted manner.

But apparently I'm not allowed to do the same.

[Raistlin]

As we were driving down the road, my wife said, "Wind up your window."


"You're dirty and not even bulletproof", I said to it.

[Raistlin]

Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.

[Raistlin]

Some bird shat on my car windscreen.

It's my own fault for parking it in Newcastle city centre on a Saturday night.

[Raistlin]

Ivanovic is Serbian, yet according to the scousers he tastes just like Chechen.

[Raistlin]

Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

[Raistlin]

I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine.

"Sure." said the barman. "There's too many immigrants and they're taking all our jobs."

[Raistlin]

The one day I wear a creased shirt to work I meet the image-obsessed managing director.

Oh the ironing.

[Raistlin]

Reports that Vampires are playing for the first team are "exaggerations" says a spokesperson at Liverpool Football Club, adding that only one has been identified so far.

[Raistlin]

I went to the dog rescue centre last night.

Or a singles bar as it's better known.

[Raistlin]

Branislav Ivanovic was asked why he's not complaining about Luis Suarez biting him.

He said, "Because I'm HIV positive."

[Raistlin]

Chrissy Amphlett lead singer of Divinyls has died from breast cancer.

When I think about her self examinations I touch myself.

[Raistlin]

Luis Suarez hopes to play against Bayern Munich one day, because he'd like to try a shoulder of Lahm

[Raistlin]

Finishing three times in 30 mins...

Van Persie reminds me of when I first discovered masturbation.

[Raistlin]

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there yet?"

"For pete's sake, Dave. You really don't know where my clitoris is, do you?"

[Raistlin]

Disgusted to read that an Islamic baby was found dead in a carrier bag, discarded at the edge of the road.

What is this world coming to?

Recycle you bastards!

[Raistlin]

A group of Bayern Munich fans have been spotted going into Wembley tonight.

We think they've gone to put towels down on their seats in time for the final.

[Raistlin]

I messaged all my followers that my girlfriend is overweight and boring in bed, and now the bitch has dumped me !

So much for "tweet 'em mean, keep 'em keen".

[Raistlin]

When I dropped my youngest off on her first day at school, there was very nearly tears.

Not one fit mum to be seen anywhere.

[Raistlin]

JLS have split.

Hopefully their condoms don't follow suit

[Raistlin]

I was on a plane when a woman fell unconscious.

"Is there a Doctor on board?" the cabin staff shouted.

"Yes!" I said, "Carry her into the toilet so I can give her a full examination in private."

At last, years of studying Philosophy pays off.

[Raistlin]

Liverpool will struggle after the news of the 10 game ban...

..that Stewart Downing hasn't been given.