Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Cole has admitted that, on meeting Beyonce recently, "I totally embarrassed myself".

Don't worry Cheryl, it could've been worse. You could've mistaken her for a toilet attendant.

[Raistlin]

Sat in my van I put the indicator light on.

Then started to pull away.

... and that's why I was arrested for masturbating in public.

[Raistlin]

I don't know what all the fuss is about regarding the Bedroom tax I have been paying it for years..

The wife charges me £13.50 every time I have sex with her

[Raistlin]

My talent agent has fired me because there's no demand for hypnotist acts anymore.

He'll regret that the next time he finds himself in a public toilet with any children.

[Hugo D'Aygo]

http://youtu.be/K2GzjjiiFBw

Hugo.

[Raistlin]

Forty people have miraculously been found alive in the Dhaka clothing factory, 24 hours after it collapsed.

Primark are to dock them a day's pay.

[Raistlin]

The cops have raided Justin Bieber's tour bus looking for some dope.

They found him.

[Raistlin]

As Suarez won't be playing against Newcastle tomorrow,

I wonder who will be the team's designated diver?

[Raistlin]

I was surprised to see that the UK's city of culture for 2013 is Londonderry/Derry.

It's only open to visitors 6 days a week though , and closed on bloody Sundays.

[Raistlin]

For my pals who think they have OCD: I have a drawer that's not quite shut.

For my pals with trust issues: I may be lying about that drawer.

[Raistlin]

Churchill to feature on new banknote

That nodding dog gets everywhere

[Raistlin]

How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?

[Raistlin]

My New Year's resolution is to get things done on time.

[Raistlin]

I don't understand the Arsenal fans giving the United team such a poor reception today.

They've waited for years to see the Premier League champions run out at the Emirates...

[Raistlin]

My son asked me to help with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to stop pregnancy."

After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "doing her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

[Raistlin]

I've been sat here for ages with my trumpet to my lips, patiently waiting for the conductor to signal me in for the start of my solo.

Ah he's looking at me now.

"Get the hell off this bus!"

[Raistlin]

Over the weekend one of my kids died, I lost my job and I got diagnosed with terminal cancer....it could have been a lot worse.

I could have been a Wolves fan.

[Raistlin]

New iPhone 5 still in box.

Need gynecologist to remove as it's really uncomfortable.

[Raistlin]

After realising we can't have kids, me and the wife are considering adoption.

I doubt anyone will have us though, we're nearly 40.

[Raistlin]

'George at ASDA are proud to release their summer 2013 collection*'

*Warning: May Contain Traces Of Rubble.

[Raistlin]

Stockholm syndrome is a load of bollocks.

I kidnapped a child over ten months ago and she still hates me.

[Raistlin]

Police have said that the 300 Wolverhampton Wanderers fans that invaded the pitch on saturday after the 2-1 loss to Burnley will all be handed 5 year bans.

So far 14,000 have handed themselves in....

[Raistlin]

Facebook recently announced that it will soon enable a feature that allows users to check who has been visiting their profile.

Most of you just shat your pants.

[Raistlin]

As I was woken up this morning by the familiar rubbing of stubble against my face and a hand on my crotch, I thought to myself "I hate prison."

Then I remembered I was staying in a hotel with the wife after I got released yesterday.

[Raistlin]

Shocking news on Coronation Street that Kevin Webster has to go and stay with his dad who has just had a massive heart attack.

Sally says he could be away for weeks!

Dunno how he is gonna cope with that and a pending trial for 19 child sex offences