Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Nelson Mandela has been clutching an unknown object very close to his chest since being admitted to hospital.

On closer inspection, it's now been identified as the watch given to him by Alex Ferguson.

[Raistlin]

I tried that switching off then back on again thing today.

But I didn't work.

The doctors seem to think I've probably made my wife's condition worse.

[Raistlin]

It's been reported that Katie Price may be expecting twins.

There'll be enough room for them to do 'Ring a ring o'roses' on the way out.

[Raistlin]

A Scouser goes into the benefits office and says, "I want to claim my child benefit".

The man at the desk said, "Shouldn't you be at school?"

[Raistlin]

Been looking everywhere for a coke bottle with my wife's name on but apparently they don't do a 'Fat Bitch'.

[Raistlin]

Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died. What vision, to know we'd need one hand free on the computer.

[Raistlin]

I really enjoyed yesterdays Wimbledon.

I haven't seen a women's semi that long since my last trip to Thailand.

[Raistlin]

UNITE - Doesn't do exactly what it says on the tin...

... nor, for that matter, what it says in the rules of the Labour Party either

[Raistlin]

Adele has stated that her new waxworks which has been revealed "has her chin" and she's not wrong.

They're all there.

[Raistlin]

I had a blowout on the motorway tonight.

12 service stations and I couldn't get a single hitchhiker in my lorry.

[Raistlin]

I love it when thousands of Australians practice their fire drill during a sporting occasion

[Raistlin]

John terry has just been seen hurriedly putting on a lions kit and making his way onto the pitch

[Raistlin]

My wife was angry with me for always stereotyping people, but now that I've stopped, she's as happy as a scouser with a giro.

[Raistlin]

A petrochemical train has exploded in a town in Canada.

The centre of town is described as looking like a Total Shell.

[Raistlin]

I read online that it can be incredibly dangerous for your cat to have onion or garlic.

And tomatoes are a big no-no, too.

That's all well and good, but you're left with a very bland casserole.

[Raistlin]

Amazing. All I did was shake a tin outside a British Heart Foundation charity shop and the police move me along for anti-social behaviour.

Admittedly it was a tin of Special Brew.

[Raistlin]

I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray.

It's not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.

[Raistlin]

My mates daughter came round mine and asked if she could stay the night as her parents were away for the night and she was worried that she would get raped.

She needn't have worried about it, she did.

[Raistlin]

Today my bollocks and Uncle Bens rice have a lot in common....they are boiling in the bag

[Raistlin]

"The hot weather is great isn't it?" I said to my mate. "Mini skirts, low cut tops and shorts that practically allow the full ass to be shown. What a party!!!"

"Yeah it's great" he said, "I was just expecting to see some girls here."

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a cocktail bar and says, 'Barman, give me an Erroneous Punchline!'

So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his arse with it.

[Raistlin]

I met Barrack Obama and said, "My dad says you're spying on us all."

He said, "He's not your dad."

[Raistlin]

Murray wins Wimbledon

Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland?

I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West

[Raistlin]

England can at least take some comfort from Andy Murray winning Wimbledon after a 77 year wait.

By my calculations we should definitely be on for the 2046 World Cup.

[Raistlin]

Why do the homeless get so upset when I ask if they take debit cards after they ask for money?

Quit living in the past, losers