Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was slow-dancing with this gorgeous girl to the last song in the club last night and she whispered in my ear, "Do you want to walk me home?"

I replied, "Yes. Well, part of the way, anyway."

[Raistlin]

I took a girl back to mine last night.

When we got into bed she told me that she preferred it up the arse.

"There's not many women like you," I told her.

"There's not many women with a prostate gland," she replied.

[Raistlin]

Despite having OCD, I don't let it stop me enjoying my life.

I'll try anything twice.

[Raistlin]

I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.

The twat was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.

[Raistlin]

After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede my wife was right.

The back garden grass really does need cutting.

[Raistlin]

I was telling my son about an amazing outdoor water park I visited.

I said, "You would love it, I can't wait to show you the slides."

Excited, he replied, "Is this for real?"

"Of course," I smiled. "Now go set up the projector."

[Raistlin]

"Dad, I would like you to meet my boyfriend , Paul."

"Oh dear, I think your mother will be very disappointed. You can do much better than this."

"Dad, that is outrageous and very rude."

"I wasn't talking to you."

[Raistlin]

I have just made my very first porn movie and must say I even impressed myself as it is 58 minutes long.

Mind you it took me 57 minutes to fix the leaking tap.

[Raistlin]

Kerry Katona was declared bankrupt today, for the second time in five years.

I knew that tenner she borrowed from Cash Lady would come back to haunt her.

[Raistlin]

Feminists have an opinion too.

It's just a shame nobody cares what it is.

[Raistlin]

Due to the riots in Egypt my flight has been cancelled.

I've now got to take the night boat to Cairo...

It's madness.

[Raistlin]

The awkward moment when your mum is giving you a blowjob, and your dad comes in, having a wank.

[Raistlin]

People who use euphemisms really get on my you know whats.

[Raistlin]

"My wife hasn't wanted sex for over a year," complained my friend down the pub.

"That's just not true, mate," I replied without thinking.

[Raistlin]

Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.

[Raistlin]

To all my drug addicted American friends.

Happy dependence day.

[Raistlin]

Manchester United have told Wayne Rooney that if he wants to leave the club, he will have to submit a written transfer request.

Which is a great tactic by United, knowing fine well that Wayne isn't capable of writing

[Raistlin]

I was out in town with the wife today and she dragged me into Boots the chemist's, where she made me spend over two hundred pound on potions, lotions, creams, masks, oils and make-ups.

I was more than happy spending the rest of the afternoon carrying around the huge box of products for her.


It stopped the ugly bitch trying to hold my hand.

[Raistlin]

Former pop star Kerry Katona has been dropped as the face of a payday loans company after she filed for bankruptcy for the second time in five years.

She obviously had one of their loans then.

[Raistlin]

The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is essentially just a plate, just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.

[Raistlin]

As the inventor of the computer mouse has died I can just imagine how his funeral will be.

Drag and drop.

[Raistlin]

"Bernie Nolan," I said.

"We prefer to use the word cremation," replied my boss at the funeral parlour.

[Raistlin]

Wax on, wax off; wax on, wax off..

I may have OCD, but at least I'm being kinky about it.

[Raistlin]

Parts King wanted to get 'Choking Hazard' tattooed on his penis.

Unfortunately all he could manage was 'Cho'.

[Raistlin]

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.