Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I saw an advert for 4-head cooling strips that you use when you have a migraine.

We had them when I was growing up too.

We called it a flannel.

[Raistlin]

If I ever fancy a challenge,

I just try and crack one off to that Corsodyl advert before that woman smiles.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Privacy fears over gay teen site.

Apparantly they are worried about a deadly virus getting in through the back door...

[Raistlin]

Seeing your partner on wild silk sheets drizzled in organic maple syrup in a blurred motion,

Slurred moaning,

A constant twitching throughout the night,

Shaking under fine movements,

A complete numbing sensation,

Loss of awareness of local body parts.

This is just not just sex,

This is M&S sex...

[Raistlin]

I've been staring at myself in the mirror for the past hour trying to watch myself blink.

It's so frustrating I've missed it everytime...

[Raistlin]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his manhood grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

[Raistlin]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

[Raistlin]

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.. forwards then backwards .. back and forth .. back and forth .. in and out.. in and out..

Her heart was pounding faster.

His face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!!!!!

"I can't park this car, You do it you smug b*stard"

[Raistlin]

What Colour Does A Smurf Go When You Strangle It?

[Raistlin]

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise" but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

[Raistlin]

Do you think they ever actually found out whether it was Maybelline?

[Raistlin]

Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant.

[Raistlin]

I'm working on a joke about discovering a current of air blowing underneath a door.

It's not finished yet, I'm only my first draft.

[Raistlin]

Half a million women employees are suing Asda claiming men are better paid.

Asda hired a team of female lawyers to defend them to show solidarity,

And because they could get them cheaper...

[Raistlin]

As a parent, I check my son's computer for porn everyday.

He's got a much bigger and better collection than I do.

[Raistlin]

My six year old daughter's so precocious, she's already a professional photographer in the making.

She likes nothing better than to take photographs of her friends at school, often in revealing poses, and develops them all by herself in my basement.

The jury didn't buy it either.

[Raistlin]

The BBC have shelved plans to unveil a new character in hit kids show, Bob the builder.

It's just the wrong time to introduce Garry Gritter.

[Raistlin]

I blame myself for the untimely, tragic death of my wife...

unfortunately, the police agreed with me.

[Raistlin]

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

[Raistlin]

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.

They seem like nice people.

[Raistlin]

don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.

I wasn't going to kick it before.

[Raistlin]

Some perverted twat stole my wife's knickers off the washing line.

I can only assume he wanted to go camping and didn't have a tent.

[Raistlin]

According to scientific research, "Women's tears reduce sexual desire in men"...

Almost as much as their talking does.

[Raistlin]

A woman has fallen to her death in Primark in Liverpool after falling from 80ft from a 3rd floor balcony

Apparantly she landed on a display containing over 200 pieces of clothing, the impact and blood splatter has ruined all the clothes.

Store sources predict the damages will run into almost tens of pounds.

[Raistlin]

Just given blood for first time in my life this morning and never felt so great in my life

Turns out I'm not the dad...