Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Katie Price and a broom closet?

Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

[Raistlin]

Tired?

There's a nap for that.

[Raistlin]

Every week when I go to the cinema, the usherette gives me a big smile and a wink.

I reckon she's holding a torch for me.

[Raistlin]

Dyslexic?

For app there's an that.

[Raistlin]

Dry or sore throat,

feeling a bit dehydrated need a glass of water.

There's a TAP for that.

[Raistlin]

Understanding abbreviations.

There's an app for that.

[Raistlin]

God, dont you just hate those awkward questions you get after s*x?

You know the ones:

"How was that for you?"

"When will I see you again?"

And:

"Where am I and why am I chained to this wall?!"

[Raistlin]

I found a "Long Vehicle" sign in the middle of the road.

So I picked it up and was carrying it home when the police pulled up alongside me and arrested me for theft.

I don't know why, but they wouldn't believe it fell off the back of a lorry.

[Raistlin]

So this car pulls up to me at the lights the other day and starts revving his engine, as if he wanted a race

I beat him off the lights with ease, I guess he was all torque and no action

[Raistlin]

Auto-erotic asphyxiation,

It's breathtakingly good.

[Raistlin]

I started being sexually active at ten.

It's now 2 minutes past and I'm done.

[Raistlin]

There was a disasterous emergency at my house last night so I called 999.

I was offered the choice of police, ambulance or fire.

I really wasn't that bothered, any one of them could pick me up some more beer.

[Raistlin]

The new Durex Performa Condoms:

Durex's latest condom enhances sexual performance and delays ejaculation.

Each condom contains a small amount of the anaesthetic benzocaine to enhance performance and delay ejaculation..

Or you can just wear them inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up.

[Raistlin]

I went on a !Removed! website earlier, and clicked on the category 'Anal'.

I imagined it to be some really uptight and organised people having s*x.

I was wrong...

[Raistlin]

was walking past a building site, when one of the builders shouted

"Your tie looks stupid, get a blue one."

I hate constructive criticism.

[Raistlin]

Masturbation...

It Comes In Handy

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "Sherlock Holmes TV ads too loud".

Too right...

...I couldn't hear Wats on.

[Raistlin]

Necrophilia:

It's a grave mistake

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a fridge ?

The fridge doesn't drip when you pull the meat out.

[Raistlin]

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll look into it for you.

[Raistlin]

I'm thinking of starting a heavy-metal band with lyrical themes based on word-processing.

We'll be called : Italica

[Raistlin]

I thought I would highlight the rising levels of obesity with the use of a pie chart.

[Raistlin]

I won the lottery last night.

I can finally afford to buy my wife the one thing I've always wanted to get her.

I hope she appreciates it.

Hitmen don't come cheap you know.

[Raistlin]

I was given a bottle of jack for my birthday.

I would have preferred a bottle with something in it.

[Raistlin]

Does that Meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to Compare the Market.com?