Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My therapist told me I am addicted to masturbation, but I think i'll get over it.

Touch wood.

[Raistlin]

That's the last time I text someone with dyslexia to see if they fancy coming for a walk.

[Raistlin]

My wife just walked in on me while I was on the Chelsea website.

I quickly went over to a porn site to save any embarrassment.

[Raistlin]

My wife wants an answer as to why I'm so good at foreplay,

It's on the tip of my tongue...

[Raistlin]

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice...

[Raistlin]

I have become obsessed with frying all sorts of food in batter like Pinapple or Bananas etc,

But my friends say I'm just frittering my life away...

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison ?

Police say there's a small medium at large...

[Raistlin]

As a child, I was always on the receiving end of harsh beatings from my mother's sister,

She was my Agony Aunt...

[Raistlin]

I consider my ex as a 'tart with a heart'. Not because she's 'flirtatious and caring'...

...but because she's a filthy slag who took mine.

[Raistlin]

If you're a vet and have to be close to a bear, always tranquilise it.

That way it's not so dangerous.

There's safety in numb bears.

[Raistlin]

Anybody who says I'm racist clearly hasn't seen my porn collection

[Raistlin]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

[Raistlin]

I have Dementia,

But I also have a life,

And I also have Dementia...

[Raistlin]

was looking in the factual section of my local book shop, and saw loads of copies on "Women are people too."

Now I'm not usually pedantic,

But I had to move them all to the Fiction section...

[Raistlin]

I bought myself some Bermuda shorts but they've disappeared...

[Raistlin]

My mate kept going on and on about the pub being so busy that the barman ran out of pint glasses,

Which meant that he had to drink his favourite Irish beer using a half-pint glass,

I finally had to tell him to shut the fuss up, reminding him to be thankful for small Murphy's...

[Raistlin]

A termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here ?"

[Raistlin]

What is the proper weight for an lawyer ?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant ?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street.

In each arm he carried a bag.

He ran into Mr. Klein.

Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?"

"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.

"You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein.

"I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb.

It's fantastic. I go into the men's room.

I pull out a knife and hold it up.

Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.'

It works, I have forty thousand pounds in this bag.

"What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein.

"Oh, well, not everybody gives."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist ?

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Raistlin]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new paint on the market ?

It's called Blonde.

It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!

[Raistlin]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word*on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all* those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart* attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2.* Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very* little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies,* British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine* and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or* Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and* fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British* or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you* like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Raistlin]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first

time we made love over fifty years ago? We went behind the

village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love

to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can

do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,

having a chuckle to himself, he thinks “I've got to see these two old-

timers up against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

there's no trouble”. And he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for

support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the

tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and

the old man drops his trousers.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that

the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while

both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they

both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life

and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The

policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly

amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was

something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there

some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'