Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labour"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child ?"

He says, "No, This is her husband"

[Raistlin]

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant ?

The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

[Raistlin]

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[Raistlin]

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results but the nextday it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day the didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Raistlin]

My wife said she needed some more space in her life.

I agreed and hung two Star Trek posters in the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

My wife found my collection of teenage girls knickers hidden in my wardrobe,

"Where did these come from ?" She screamed

It seems "washing lines" was a mistake...

[Raistlin]

A Priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist. "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

She says "No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard ".

[Raistlin]

I'm being charged with my wife's murder after she was found burned to death.

I've tried to claim that it was caused by spontaneous human combustion.

But apparently, that doesn't happen to people in the boot of a Toyota Aygo...

[Raistlin]

I opened a Mars bar today and you'll never guess what I discovered.

Martians love vodka...

[Raistlin]

Jordan admits that she's only slept with 10 men in her life.

She must have run out of fingers...

[Raistlin]

And its goodbye from him...

[Raistlin]

How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?

She unties you.

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

[Raistlin]

The 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' franchise has a new Bucket of Chicken out.

It's called the 'Lady GaGa'

It contains two small breasts and two large thighs.

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar

and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain

admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and

discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables

in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to

fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over

for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -

just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

[Raistlin]

Why are politicians like nappies?

Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

[Raistlin]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Cyker]

Where do you get all these? Do you have a big book or were you on the stand-up circuit before you graduated to TOC mod??

 

[Raistlin]

My wife broke the news to me that she'd been to the hospital because she had found a lump in her breast.

Apparently, "Sweet, bigger boobs!" wasn't the correct response.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the morning after pill for men ?

It changes your blood group

[Raistlin]

A girl wakes up in hospital after a horrific car crash.

She yells to the nurse, '' I can't feel my legs!''

The nurse replies ''That's right, we've amputated your arms.''

[Raistlin]

The guy who invented the tv remote died today.

They found his body down the back of his sofa.